I have been thinking about the boundaries a lot lately, as I was experiencing certain triggers. Boundaries have, actually, always been my topic, growing up in the family where they were not respected. While my mother allowed myself to cross her boundaries, my father overstepped them.
When I finally realised I did have the right to my boundaries – although not knowing what they really were, what my container was – I was intended on fiercely protecting them. I would often be creating situations where I would have to fight for my boundaries to be respected. I was so keen on protecting my castle that I was spending most of the time on its walls, forgetting to enjoy being in its chambers, exploring my space (the image I recieved during one of the body oriented psychoterapy – Coresoma – training sessions).
While with time I have been spending more time in my inner chambers, I still sometimes find myself at the outskirts, defending my space (or sometimes invading others’). And while this space is much wider now and I am not as triggered by other people’s attempts at crossing it, I still often find myself struggling to assert it. It is still difficult for me to clearly state what is (non)acceptable to me, without getting angry or being disappointed.
I often doubt myself, whether I should assert my boundaries, particularly when they are crossed over by people who appear to be more flexible or open and hence do not see an issue with the beahviour that I find intrusive, although often such appearance of wide boundaries might hide the inability of people to acknowledge their (and others’) boundaries.
And I genuinelly would like to be more flexible and open. So how do I balance my soul’s desire to be more embracing of everything, and my human need for self-protection?
Judging myself for where I am at is clearly not an answer; acceptance is, accepting where my boundaries are in each moment. Allowing myself to feel my boundaries in the moment when they are being challenged, hearing what my inner voice tells me and voicing it out gently.
But often I don’t take this pause, I ignore that voice and then I get frustrated with the person or a situation when this is repeated. I assume that they should now that they are over-stepping and I start judging, first that person, and then myself.
I judge myself for not understanding myself, for not reacting or reacting inappropriately, for creating conflict, for not being more open. I alternate from seeing only my perspective and getting frustrated with another for not seeing it, to seeing only another’s perspective and getting frustrated with myself for not being more compassionate. But such approach creates sharp boundaries of inclusion and exclusion and I wish to move beyond.
Beyond the idea of boundaries as the fences of the boxes we place ourselves in, pushing against each other, to the concept of boundaries as natural protective nets of our physical and energy bodies. Boundaries as circles which can interact with each other at certain intersections.
The wisdom is to recognise where those intersections are, as well as acknolwedge that some intersections are not possible (in the moment), and express this clearly without any struggle, shame or guilt.
Maybe boundaries are to teach us how to be more: