Lately, a series of challenging events presented me with the opportunity to look closer at one of the main issues in my life, embodied experiences and mental constructs and beliefs concerning boundaries and speaking and living my truth.
I must have needed some core teachings around these subjects as I was born into the family where my father, pater familias, had the sole and ultimate power to speak the truth (at least it seemed to me so when I was young). In such an environment it was difficult to feel and know my own boundaries, my own truth. The light of my authentic self, of my essence, was dimmed, and in moments when it bursted through me I felt shame, I felt there was something wrong with me, as my light was not part of the spectrum that my father was able to fully see.
Unsurprisingly, later on I have always had an issue with the authority. With the gift of a very intelligent mind, family heritage of strength and the karma of easily navigating mainstream systems, but the lack of support to discover my own truth (which only later did I realise mostly goes against the mainstream), I have for the most of my life been part of the powerful systems (law, academia), thus very close to the Authority, but mostly clashing with it. I wanted the Authority to see me, to validate me, to expand its horizons to accept many truths I was seeing existing in the world.
With time, I found it exhausting to be in conflict and I mostly stopped challenging the bullshit I kept seeing in the systems I was part of. I started choosing my fights, as I was advised, and kept swallowing the ‘small things’ I wanted to say (mostly issues regarding me), or arguing when they were ‘big’ (mostly when it concerned a human rights issue).
With time, I developed chronical thyroid dis-ease. My throat chakra, though overactive, was sealed with fear and shame. I often experienced lack of respect and over-stepping of my boundaries, which made me even less secure in my ability to safeguard myself.
Moreover, as a human rights lawyer, I believed there is (should be) a just system of rules of human interaction to safeguard us. I believed in justice. And most of my life I spent trying to make social and legal norms and institutions more just, the authority more responsible. While there were some successes on my way, I was confronted with many instances of the abuse of power and started perceiving (and observing) law as a system of oppression itself. Authority, institutions, like our parents, were mostly irresponsible and immature, set up by immature humans, brought up by immature humans.
Realising this, I started understanding that the only sustainable change comes from within, that peace and justice are first and foremost inner jobs. We have to take our authority back, reclaim our sovereignty, take responsibility, grow up. Giving someone the authority seems to be flawed itself.
While I navigate the repercussions of these new insights for my career as a lawyer and an academic, I realise the dire need to take my power back, to claim by boundaries and take responsibility for what is within, to speak and live my truth.
This simultaneously requires me to allow others do the same. No need to save them, change them, make them understand, push them to accept my own truth. And I don’t need an arbitrator in the position of authority to tell me who is right/wrong in my relating to the world. I am no longer interested in right/wrong, I am no longer interested in argumentative discussions.
But I will no longer keep calm because I think discussion is mostly futile, or because of the fear of the impact this will have on another person, me or our relationships (will they be hurt, will I be hurt, will our relationship be destroyed, is it to little of a thing to be spoken about?). I will speak my truth and reflect what I see as I owe it to my Soul.
I no longer need to stay in systems or relationships where I feel I cannot speak honestly and be authentic. I no longer want any lies, whether silent or spoken, big or small. I want to live in an authentic community and relate with sovereign authentic individuals. I will do my best to do what I can in creating such a world (with in and with out) even though speaking up authentically and setting my boundaries is still not easy for me.
Ivana's dreaming 