I feel stuck lately. I feel stuck in my old identities, profession, structures I am a part of. I no longer have the passion I used to have for the human rights work or academic work as I see so many shadows lurking in the fields that most of those in the fields are not ready to recognise yet. I am less and less interested in argumentation, in proving points, or showing things. I am less and less interested in right/wrong, good/bad, clever/stupid, the defining categories in the structures I am a part of. The processes do not fit me either: competition, owning our ideas, pushing our agendas, hierarchical leading.
I have always been critical of the systems I am placed in, and through my healing work, which included a four-year body oriented psychotherapy training, I have constantly been shifting my perspectives.
But something major happened to me with the corona drama(s). The biggest shook I experienced was just after the earthquake, which happened a day after the lockdown was proclaimed by the Authority. As if this earthquake showed me that I needed to step in fully in my authority and give up of control and fear.
As it was then that the world started splitting: fear based or trust based. There was no more playing around.
And since then I really can no longer play around as I used to. I have really been having problems being in systems based on fear and control.
But are there any that are not? Where do I go from here?
I don’t want to now become a (psycho)therapist, I don’t want another profession, I don’t want to subscribe to another system which will tell me how to behave (how many supervisions or intensives I have to pay to be on the list). I also don’t want to be a healer and take the power from people I work with.
I want to co-create, play, exchange the gifts with others.
But that ‘system’ is yet to be built.
So where do I go from here? Where do we go from here, as it is impossible to relate with the world independent of it. Do we choose love or fear?