I have been having a recurring dream that I am lost at the airport. Usually I don’t even know where I am going, and then I encounter some problems: either I miss the flight, or can’t find a gate, I don’t have a passport, or I am late. There is always a sense of urgency: I have to fly, I have to make it despite the obstacles. And I feel lost, incompetent and alone in the situation I find myself in.
It does not even cross my mind that maybe I don’t need to take a flight if there is so much in the way and if I don’t even know when and why I am going!
Sometimes I ask staff for directions but I don’t dare to ask for what I really need: I feel I have to get by on my own. After all, the people at the airport are not close to me and asking to walk with me would just be too much.
I had one of these dreams again a few days ago. The last few days I have been experiencing in my awaken state this feeling of being lost, incompetent and alone in this ‘airporty’ in-between place/space that I am now occupying on a 9 month fellowship in the USA.
I have been feeling strongly the sense of urgency of having to fly (high), take on the opportunities I am presented with, do something, go! But not being sure where I am supposed to go and how to get there. And definitely in need of support.
Both in my dreams and in my awakened life it has been very difficult for me to just stay in this state of helplessness, vulnerability and a sense of being lost. Instead of pausing and checking whether I really need to go anywhere, whether I could just leave, for example, I push forward. I feel that I have to, otherwise something is seriously wrong with me: I cannot ‘manage’ my own life, were the words I used the other day. And I feel an added pressure of chasing the (American) dream come true here.
But instead I find myself in this ‘nightmare’ which is actually bringing me closer to home, as my exploration with a beautiful dream worker Taylor (https://www.symbodythedream.com/) revealed today. The airport is my childhood home; the urgency to move, to leave home and succeed/survive is the energy of my father and his lineage, while doing things that might not be of my choosing and feeling powerless to change it, is the energy of my mother and her lineage. And I am stuck in between.
In the exploration of the dream, my beloved maternal grandfather, who at the age of 3 when his mother died was no longer allowed to sleep in the house and has since not truly had his home, lets me know that he has shifted his understanding of his power(lesness), due to work I have done. He reminds me that you can never be stripped of your true power and your sovereignty, whatever conditions you find yourself in. You sometimes just disconnect from this truth under difficult circumstances. He tells me I no longer need to fear entrapment, humiliation, servitude, powerlessness and that I can start seeing the gifts these experiences in the lineage bring to me.
I try to connect with the ancestors from my father’s side. That is at first more difficult as I have never felt that I fully belong to this family, and I did not have as close relationship with my relatives on this side. I did not feel accepted, and I was not in full acceptance of this lineage either. It seems that nobody in that lineage was in full acceptance of themselves as nobody was able to mirror the true beauty and worth of the soul. It was more important to survive serious poverty and the hardship this linage had been facing.
I am helped by a prompting from Taylor who asks me what I needed from an airport employee who directed me to the gate. As I realise I needed her to take me to the plane by hand, I immediately get a very clear picture of my paternal ancestors holding hands in the circle. This is what they needed. Just to be able to hold hands with their loved ones, with no pressure to do anything, without struggle to survive. Simple human, physical connection, recognition of their soul, valuing of their inner worth.
I find myself standing in the circle. It seems that I do belong. And that they are very grateful for me brining this energy to the field: a possibility they unfortunately did not know was there. To allow for their expression of vulnerability, and of the need to be held, seen, loved, validated.
I have been feeling this yearning a lot as well in my relationship with my father which has also be reflected in my relationship to the world. Hence my (dreams of) travelling alone, facing obstacles on the journey, closed gates and pushing through it.
I am now ready to write a new story, to dream a new dream. From now on I would like to fly where and when and for purpose that I chose (or better said that reveal themselves to me). If I get lost, I would want to remember the ability to pause, capability to hold myself. And I would like to be supported in that. I would like the gate to be wide open so I could travel with grace, welcomed on my journey.
I would like to see every one of us being able to fly where we are called to, I would like to see us all holding our hands when we get lost, I would like all of us being welcomed and recognised by one another.
I thank the ancestors for their journeys, and I wish the descendants a graceful, flight to higher and higher, deeper and deeper dimensions of being, on a collective journey of ascension.
May it be so.
